The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[DarrenSV650S]

You Don’t Know Jack Schitt


Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says,`You don’t know Jack Schitt`. After this, you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnet, married O.Schitt, the owner of Knee- deep Schitt, Inc. in turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins : Deep Schitt and Dip schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt - Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda schitt and they produced a cowardly son , Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a Schitt- Happens double wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can correct them !!

LOL! I'd have a reyt job remembering all that though

This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?". "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go
ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead... do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

If you receive an email entitled
'Bedtimes', delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.


FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??


It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the 'Bedtimes' message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.

***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.


***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.


Send this warning to everyone!!!

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask
the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both startled and he says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,I know you'll forgive
me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow,.........
I'm in room 1221."

>Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it
>with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard
tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
>
>"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're
>wearing them baggy old
>swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
>They're years outta
>style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of
>Spandex Speedos - about
>two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato
>down inside 'em. I'm tellin
>ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
>
>The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his
>spanking new tight
>Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than
>before. Everybody
>on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering
>their faces, turning
>away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the
>lifeguard again and
>asks him, "What's wrong now?"
>
>"JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in
>front!"

Two Suppositories

A man with a bad stomachache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do about it. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting two suppositories deep up the back passage. The man agrees, so the doctor warns him about the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time, using rubber gloves and a lubricant.

So the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other, shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had both hands on my shoulders."

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

how do you track will smith?

you follow the fresh prints....







hmmm ill get my coat...

prob old and a repost but meh....

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a f*ck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would master**** at a wedding.

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of pi5s.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real f*cking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill themself to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous b@stard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshi*ting and you're a cheap b@stard. Virgo men are usually gay and the majority of Virgo women are wh*res

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an a5shole. For your entire life people will make a complete pr*ck out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You always have snot on your clothes.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. You thrive on incest.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centred c*nt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a pr*ck.