The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[yorkie_chris]

Originally Posted by keithd

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous b@stard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

F##k off, no truth in that, they don't even know me. Leave me alone.

[_Stretchie_]

Originally Posted by keithd

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of pi5s.

WOW, it's just SOOOOO true

[gruntygiggles]

Originally Posted by _Stretchie_

WOW, it's just SOOOOO true

Thank god I'm not a Taurus!

[Stu]

I've never had any time for astrology

Until now! That's stunningly perceptive Don't forget people, my birthday's coming up soon

Originally Posted by keithd

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real f*cking machine!, the type of person who'd kill themself to win a bet.

.

....acurate....ive been prescribed olanzipine in the past....

A wealthy but rapidly aging lady had tried every kind of plastic surgery technique to remain as young looking as possible but latelty things weren't having the disired effect any more.

She went to see a specialist in London who advised her that standard procedures would have little effect due to her already extensive surgery but there was one 'new' procedure she hadn't yet tried.

"The Screw" was a crued but effective way of maintaining that "youthfull look", a small knob (that's not the joke) was to be fixed to the top of her head hidden under a hair-piece. Once a month, or whenever she felt the need to "tighten up" she was to give the knob a quarter turn and the skin would be stretched slightly.

The lady had the "Screw" fitted right away and left the specialist with a skip and a smile..

"Don't overdo it" the specialist warned.

It was only 3 months later that the lady returned to the specialist with some problems...
"I did what you said, I gave the screw a turn every time I felt a little loose, it's just that recently things haven't been going so well and I just can't get rid of these bags under my eyes!!"

The specialist took a quick glance and said
"They're not bags, they're your tits!!!"

"I'll not bother asking about the goatee then!!!" replied the woman.

[Mr Speirs]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

Originally Posted by keithd

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real f*cking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill themself to win a bet.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint. . .

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala

where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'

and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far

over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and

helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,

'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he

was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,

got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked

into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was

sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....

How much water did you drink?!!

Cheltenham races….


A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and
learn about thoroughbred horses.


When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of
them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding
their w***ies to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring,
the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'


'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15; but
please carry on'