The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

male or female...


FREEZER BAGS: They are male because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushedbut can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.


TYRES: Tyres are male because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES: These are female because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES:Female because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it wouldbe male but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Where do pets come from? A new Genesis story.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him 'Dog'."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give a s*** one way or the other.

I was in the pub with my brother yesterday, waiting for his friend Steve. I was a little nervous, because Steve has been trapped in a house fire and was horrifcally burned, so i wasn't sure how to act around him. "Don't worry!" my brother said, "Just treat him like any other person". Just then, Steven had walked into the pub, seen us and came over. "Steve!" my brother said, "we were just talking about you; were your ears burning again?"

Read this,

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

haha nice one Kate

[yorkie_chris]

Originally Posted by missyorkie_chris

haha nice one Kate

Originally Posted by mrs24_7

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Hehe can tell where you read to

No I thought the whole thing was funny, I do have a sense of humour that knows

a man goes into a shop to get a christmas present he decides on a barbie doll, loking at them he notices the prices. surf barbie £20, party barbie £25 divorce barbie £259.99. the man asks the girl behind the counter how come divorce barbie is that much. the assistant rolls her eyes and says " sir divorce barbie comes with kens house kens car kens yatch one of kens mates and kens balls on a keyring

[Jayneflakes]

Originally Posted by keithd

I was in the pub with my brother yesterday, waiting for his friend Steve. I was a little nervous, because Steve has been trapped in a house fire and was horrifcally burned, so i wasn't sure how to act around him. "Don't worry!" my brother said, "Just treat him like any other person". Just then, Steven had walked into the pub, seen us and came over. "Steve!" my brother said, "we were just talking about you; were your ears burning again?"

That is awful, you wicked wicked man. I am ashamed to say I laughed heartily and then read it to my girlfriend.

[Stingo]

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers,
'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'