The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[gruntygiggles]

Originally Posted by sv-robo

Obama the 1st black president...
Lewis Hamilton the 1st black f1 world champion...
Will Smith the worlds highest paid actor....

How times change,it's a real good time to be black....

Poor old Micheal Jackson must be f***ing kicking himself.

That really got me giggling....cheers! x

A policeman pulls over a driver for speeding. He walks up to the drivers window.
Cop "do you know how fast you were going?"
Driver "no"
Cop "do you have anything you have in the car that you shouldn't have?"
Driver "yeah i've got a couple of dead bodies in the boot, 10 grands worth of cocaine and a load of guns"
Cop "wait there. don't move"

The cop calls for backup, and after a few minutes a senior officer arrives and approaches the drivers window.

Officer "my colleage has informed me that you have dead bodies, drugs and guns in your vehicle"
Driver "yeah i bet the lying bastarrd told you i was speeding too"

A man goes to the doctors for a co*k extension.
Doc suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000.
Man agrees.
6 weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & thinks this is the night.
While chatting over dinner his co*k flys out,steals an apple off the table & goes back.
"Wow"she says "can u do that again"?
He replies"my co*k can but i don't think my ar$e can take another apple".

lol!!!

[Mr Speirs]

Man goes to the doctors complaining that his willy has holes in it and that when he pees it goes everywhere.
Doctors asks him to drop his trousers and sure enough the fellas willy has plenty of holes in it.
The doctor hands the fella a card and tells him to give the number a ring.
The patient says 'ah is this fella a specialist in this feild?'
The doctors replies 'No, but hes a fantastic flute player, he'll teach you how to hold it'

[Viney]

A man goes to the doctors. He goes into his room and stands there and before he sits down he asks a question. ‘Excuse me doc, but have you ever laughed at a patient or at their complaint? ‘No replies the doctor, I can assure you I have never in the 30 years I have been in practice, now what seems to be the problem?’ The guy drops his trousers and pants and stands there in front of the doctor. The doctor looked down and there it was, the smallest penis the doctor has ever seen, it was about the size of a AAA battery. He was totally shocked by the size of it and really wanted to laugh, but was professional enough to hold it back. ‘You sure you have never laughed’ asked the patient ‘Yes i’m sure’ replied the Doc, ‘What’s the problem?’ ‘Its swollen replied the Patient’

[Essex of Essex]

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step
into the booth, I can let you have another few minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Five minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"





"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just
realised I was playing you the B side."

#groan#

Originally Posted by Essex of Essex

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step
into the booth, I can let you have another few minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Five minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"





"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just
realised I was playing you the B side."

I sent this to my Bee.Org and they might include it in their next magazine LOL

[Stu]

Originally Posted by vixis

I sent this to my Bee.Org and they might include it in their next magazine LOL

You just ruined the joke for me because I read your reply first. I'm so disappointed