The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

Jam in

How do Bob Marley's friends like their donuts?

Hope they like jam in too

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now naked, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best
feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and

solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?"


Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me."

One winter morning at breakfast a couple were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."
The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplough can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." then silence. The power supply had crashed! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'

> A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is
> it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
>
> The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
> number?'
>
> The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.
>
> The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse
> '
>
> After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I
> have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her
> blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her
> physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
>
> The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God
> bless you for the good news.'
>
> The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
>
> The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ****.'

[Viney]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'



The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.



'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.



Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'





THERE'S MORE...





Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.



'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.



He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'





IT IS NOT OVER YET...





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!

Well! Australia said they wanted the Ashes....they certainly got the fukkas now!

Australian mega star Rolf Harris was asked to leave the scene of the Australian bush fires today as he was upsetting the mourners.
He was reported to be pulling the remains from the ashes and asking on lookers.................................




































"Can you guess who it is yet?"

As a mark of respect, Australia has stopped brewing Fosters lager.......Well you wouldn't want a warm beer would you?

That`s terrible <------ Said whilst trying to suppress a snigger

There's something wrong with my Jade Goody calender, it only goes up to March.








Too soon?