The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Bluepete]

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with
voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his
desire would be death should he try to touch them. The king was a very
jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was the king's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician
exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without
pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a litt le bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the
cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1, 000 gold coins. With his obsession
now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and,
knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the
king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the king's underwear . The king immediately summoned
Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Pay your bills!

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f***ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Originally Posted by Viney

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Europe, France, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it. Eventually the American decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.

He arrived at Llanelli in Carmarthenshire and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40p per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son - it's a local call'.

No one who has been to Llanelli will find that amusing! Biggest hole on the planet Llanelli is. I should know...

Jade Goody has sealed yet another exclusive television deal,
She announced today that she'll be appearing in "Most Haunted" sometime in early April.

Lmao

my girlfriend has fell out with me,
'cos i told 'er,
i want to kick her puppy.
still can not grasp,

predictive text!

[Mr Speirs]

I went to a Muslim Birthday Party the other day. Musical Chairs was boring but f**k me Pass the Parcel was quick.

[Dave20046]

Originally Posted by Mr Speirs

I went to a Muslim Birthday Party the other day. Musical Chairs was boring but f**k me Pass the Parcel was quick.

lol that's an old'n...still good though

[Bluepete]