The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

I got a bird back to my place last night.

She sat down and said, "I take it you w*nk a lot."

"I'm so sorry," I stuttered, loading my arms with DVDs. "I would have hidden my porn collection if I'd known I had a lady coming over."

"No, it's not that," she replied. "I'm stuck to your sofa."

Whats 6" long and wont be getting sucked on Valentines day?...

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

[Paul the 6th]

Jimmy savilles cigar won't be either..

[Paul the 6th]

They say Abu Qatada has to be released because he hasn't broken any rules in England.

Oh yeah? What about the rule that says you have to have a 'u' after 'q'?

To all my beautiful friends - Happy Valentines Day ... & to all my fat, ugly ones...cheer the **** up!! Its pancake day next tuesday!

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, and handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be £5,000 please”. The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That is a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”

[andrewsmith]

Jen

Stolen and reposted

Nursing Home sex




Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.




After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"




She asks, "What?''




"Sex." he replies.




Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"




"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."




"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.




Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.




Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.




She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!




Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"




Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

Waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer
sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver
is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and
pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two
in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as
ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!. What seems to be
the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you were not speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit
proudly, as it says on the road sign!

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound
this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

ive just put a tenner on gerry McCann to be the next england manager
he's just lost 1 in europe