The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
You learn about your redundancy on the 11o'clock news.
Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when you woke up their were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk emails.

3 star hangover ***

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a liter of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems, (depending on your gender.) Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - Home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe .......very gently.

6 star hangover ******

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your, room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

A dog goes into a grocer's with a basket in its mouth. In the basket is a shopping list and a purse. The grocer reads the list, puts the goods into the basket, takes some money from the purse and puts back the change. The dog then runs off home. This happens every week for months and the grocer becomes extremely impressed by the animal's intelligence and its dedication to its task. One day he decides to follow the dog home and see if its owner would be willing to sell it. the dog eventually leads the grocer to a run-down house where it puts the basket on the doorstep and rings the bell with its nose. After a few seconds an old woman comes to the door and starts hitting the dog with a stick. 'stop!' shouts the grocer. 'What are you doing? That's the most intelligent dog I've ever seen in my life.' 'Intelligent, my a*se!' shouts the old woman. 'That's the third time this week he's forgotten his keys.'

Man, to waitress in Chineses restaurant: 'Excuse me, but this chicken is rubbery.' Waitress: 'Thank you sir.'

A little cockney girl and her mother are watching a naval wedding at which 12 midshipmen are forming a bridal arch with sculling oars. The little girl says, 'Oh Mum, look at the handsome sailors with thier big oars.' the mother replies, ' They're not oars, they're bleeding' bridesmaids.'

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails. The husband buys the snails but pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and another, that by the time he leaves its nine in the evening. realising he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path then rings the door bell. His furious wife opens the door, 'where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on lads! he shouts. 'We're nearly there!'

A little late but

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED


1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

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> 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

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> 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

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> 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

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> 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and

> Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

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> 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

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> 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

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> 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna

> Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

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> 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy

> - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

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> 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jin gle

> Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

> Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

> Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

> Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

> Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

> Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

> Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

> Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells,

> Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

> Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

> Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

> Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle B ells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

> Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

> Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

> Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

> Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

> Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

> Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

> Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

> Bells, Jingle Bells .

A man is sitting in a pub when a really gorgeous girl enters, he can't take his eyes of her. the girl notices his stare and walks over. 'I can see you're interested' she says, 'So tell ya what, I'll do anything you want me to do for £100, but there is one condition, you have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' 'And you'll do absolutely anything I want?' says the ma. 'Anything' she replies. the man thinks for a moment, then takes £100 from his wallet. he gives her the money, looks into her eyes and says...




'Paint My house'

People have different opinions on things. E.g. to me my girlfriend is the most wonderful beautiful person in the world. But to my wife...

A man is sitting reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him with a frying pan . 'What was that for?' says the man. 'I found a piece of paper in your pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it!' says his wife. 'You're having an affair!' 'Of course I'm not,' says the man. 'mary Lou is the name of a horse I bet on last week.' The wife apologises.
Next day the man's wife sneaks up and whacks him again. @what's the matter this time?' says the man. His wife replies, 'You're horse just phoned!

One day Tom notices that his mate Bob is wearing an earring. 'Bob, I didn't know you wore an earring, how long have you been wearing it?' asks Tom. Bob replies, 'Ever since my wife it in our bed'