The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Apparently the cause of the Air France crash was all a misunderstanding.

One passenger shouted, "Hi Jacques" to his mate.

The crew immediately put their hands up and the plane went out of control!

[Dave20046]

What did the surgeon say to the complaining,icelandic, boob job, eskimo?
....

..

.

Tough titties

Apparently the dyslexic pilot couldn't wait to take the controls of the new Airsub...

The Tesco Doctor
>
> One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
> behind him,
> 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see
> a doctor!'
>
> Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the
> surgery, Mike replies.
>
> There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a
> urine sample
> and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what
> to do about it.
>
> It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot
> quicker and
> better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
>
> So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it
> to Tesco.
> He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks
> for the
> urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
> 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
> avoid heavy
> activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
>
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
> was, Jack
> began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
> samples
> from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself'
> into the mixture for
> good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check
> what would
> happen.
>
> He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and
> awaits the
> results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
>
> 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
>
> 2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
> shampoo.
>
> 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>
> 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get
> a lawyer.
>
> 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your
> elbow will never
> get better....
>
> Thank you for shopping at Tesco

[Supervox]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really **** I'll have nothing left to live for.'

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when h tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.. He sat
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a
man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did
a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm
news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

So he survived the first jump?

Did you really not get that? i don't like explaining jokes and then getting a big fat 'you're pretty gullable aren't you?'

Originally Posted by Thingus

Did you really not get that? i don't like explaining jokes and then getting a big fat 'you're pretty gullable aren't you?'

Yet you STILL wrote that! He he he.