The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[gruntygiggles]

Originally Posted by Richie

While riding one day, a biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside.
The biker began a conversation . . . .
• Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
• Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
• Dog: "Doing' alright."
• Farmer: Look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.
• Dog: "Yep."
• Biker: "How does he treat you?"
• Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."
• Farmer: Look of total disbelief.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
• Farmer: "Horses don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
• Horse: "Cool."
• Farmer: Extreme look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.
• Horse: "Yessiree Bob."
• Biker: "How's he treating you?"
• Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
• Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
• Farmer: "Don't believe a F***ing Word That sheep Says... It's a liar!"

Must pinch this one

[Shawthing]

What's the diference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?



One Mucks about in the Fountains, and the other.....







is a four legged herbivore.

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful,
Amen.'

[_Stretchie_]

.

Sent from my Desire HD using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by LankyIanB

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful,
Amen.'

Best joke I have heard all year

What have George Michael and a Wellington boot got in common?

They both get sucked off in bogs.

[Dave20046]

I heard a joke once:
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple.
The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

I have lost the thingy that peels carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had seen it.......apparantly she left me on tuesday!

[Mr Speirs]

A new recruit into the Para's asks his commanding officer to answer some questions.
Recruit: 'Sir what do I do if my parachute fails to open'
The commanding officer says 'You have a reserve parachute on your front, pull the tag and you'll float safely to the ground.
Recruit 'Sir but what do I do if the reserve chute fails to open?'
CO 'Well in that case you shout 'Allah!! Allah!! Help me'
Recruit 'But sir I am a christian'
CO 'Doesn't matter, if your main chute and your reserve chute both fail you shout Allah Allah Help me ok?
Recruit 'Yes sir'

So the next day the recruit is doing his first jump out of an aeroplane, he pulls his main chute and it flys away, he goes for his reserve chute and nothing happens. So he remembers what his CO says and starts shouting:

Allah!! Allah!! Help me.

And as the recruit is falling a big brown hand appears out of the sky and catches the recruit and delivers him gently to the ground.

'Thank god for that!!' Shouts the recruit

And a big brown foot appears and stamps on him.