The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Bluepete]

My grandfatrher had a severe chest infection so we covered his back and chest with lard...

After that he went downhill very quickly.

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.
One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.
I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.
Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.

[Gazza77]

Originally Posted by Bluepete

My grandfatrher had a severe chest infection so we covered his back and chest with lard...

After that he went downhill very quickly.

Someone watched Mock the Week last night...

I think I found a way to "improve" my bike...
http://thereifixedit.com/2009/07/25/...umbar-support/

My ChavScum noisy neighbours have just invited me next door for a water fight , I`m just boiling the kettle as I post this .

Originally Posted by xXBADGERXx

My ChavScum noisy neighbours have just invited me next door for a water fight , I`m just boiling the kettle as I post this .

i had a similar text last week!

Substitute chavscum for :-

P*ki
Skate (p*mpey fan)
muslim
iraqi
etc etc etc

What's the odd one out?

A crab, a trout, a lobster, a crayfish, and a scoucer?




The trout, the rest are all pinching *******s in shellsuits xD

(hope i ain't repeated that )

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .


Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:” I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

Little boy at school gets asked to do joined up writing by his teacher the result

"thepenisinmymouth"

DIVORCE VS... MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,"Well now, that's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."