The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Should have said that your eyes are so bad that you use the zoom on your phone to read stuff like that

[punyXpress]

New sig " Dumbass ", Paul?

[Paul the 6th]

done

Was out walking with the wife this morning, she suddenly stopped and removed her shoe complaining about a stone in it, I replied there's about 20 stone in the other, so keep walking you fat ****.

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have
to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a very
good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by “ very 'good reasons?”





Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were
about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.


"Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the
next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"


Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.
You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went
to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at
no charge."


"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my
life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."


"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for captain of


your golf team and you needed 73 more votes?"

[gruntygiggles]

I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

A duck walks up to a cosmetic counter and asks for some Shocking Pink lipstick.

"And how are you going to pay for that, then?" asks the girl behind the counter.

"Just put it on my bill."

I asked the wife the other day if she wanted to try out a rape fantasy.

"NO I WOULD NOT!!"

"That's the spirit!"....

[Dave20046]

Originally Posted by DJFridge

I asked the wife the other day if she wanted to try out a rape fantasy.

"NO I WOULD NOT!!"

"That's the spirit!"....

A variant of my fave chat up line

We've had this conversation, "get in the van" doesnt count as a chat up line Dave!
Nor "does this smell like chloroform" or "does this taste of rohypnol".