The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Originally Posted by UlsterSV

Those had me laughing out loud

dunno about you but i read them all in the voice of billy himself!

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes

about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.





News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his

wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be

distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said

in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm

really stumped"





"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she

will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk

out on a relationship like this"





After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever

consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if

we called her Heather.





It is not known whether a prenuptial agreement was signed prior to the

marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if

an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to

stand on.





Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may

have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to

get her leg over".





Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the

cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get

home at night and find her legless"





Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present

that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic

leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.





A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate

"I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate says "try Paul McCartney"





Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank

My hands were all a quiver

I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river




These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she

has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill

her shoe.

A man's lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and heavily sedated following a lengthy operation. A pretty young nurse arrives at his bedside to wash his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mutters behind the mask,"Are my testicles black?"
The nurse turns red faced and embarrassed replies,"I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and face." Again the man struggles to speak"Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Reluctantly the nurse pulls back the covers and lifts his gown, for a thorough inspection.
"Everything looks fine to me, I can't see anything wrong"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and speaks very slowly, panting,"That was very nice nurse, but listen very, very closely - are...my...test...reults...back?"

a dog walks into a builders merchants,and asks the fella behind the counter for a job,
f*ck me sez the fella ,a talking dog,well i never.
never mind that sez the dog,ave you got a job for me.
fella behind the counter tells the dog to try the circus ,just down the road.
the dog starts to **** its self laughin and howling.
afer a few minutes the dog stops laughin and sez to the fella.
what the f*cks a circus goin t do with a brick layer.

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue" I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what ****ing star sign it is."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "This is for the custard, you ****."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first. "He went "Baah" and I went "Moo." He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought; that's Abbariginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted
even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[fizzwheel]

Beenz, where did you get those from.. I saw a comedian in a comedy club a while back who's whole routine was one liners like that, its was absoloutly hilarious.

Beenz,

Fantastic! I'm still crying with laughter

All good stuff even hovi5

Matt

A little girl is in her back yard diggin a hole. The little girl is balling her eyes out and
the neighbor lady comes over to see what is wrong. "What is wrong dear child,"
"my Canary died," she responds.
"I'm sorry. but why such a big hole?"
"Your damn cat ate him."

Little Mary was never good in Sunday School,
so she decided to sleep through class, but 1
day the teacher asked her a question "Mary
who created the universe?" Mary never moved
from her deep sleep, so johnny a little boy
who sits behind her in class took his pen
and poked her with it and Mary jumed up and
yelled "God almighty" and the techer told
her it was correct. A little while later
the teacher asked her another question
"Mary, who is our lord and savior?" again
Mary never answered so Johnny poked her
with his pen again and Mary jumps up and
yells "Sweet Jesus!!" the teacher told her
it was correct so Mary went back to sleep.
The teacher her asked her a 3rd question,
"Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after they
had their 23rd child?" So 1 last time Johnny
pokes Mary with his pen 1 last time, but
this time Mary jumps up and yells
"If you stick that damn thing in me 1 more
time I'm gonna break it in half!!"
Then the teacher faints.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.