The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Two ladies talking in Heaven:
1st: Hi, my name is Denise.
2nd: Hi, I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st: I froze to death.
2nd: How awful!
1st: Wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the lounge watching TV.
1st: So, what happened?
2nd: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched. Down into the basement. Then I went through every cupboard and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two
prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called
Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and
threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored
and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator,
a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is
granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of
being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored
and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't
realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause
of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the
mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back
into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so
lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail -
it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched
for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed
sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the
reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual
pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As
he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding
back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me,
Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a
shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.
I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again
Christian."

Originally Posted by Jdubya

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two
prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called
Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and
threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored
and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator,
a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is
granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of
being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored
and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't
realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause
of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the
mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back
into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so
lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail -
it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched
for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed
sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the
reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual
pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As
he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding
back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me,
Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a
shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.
I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again
Christian."

Genius
1st 2 were $h!te tho

[Stingo]

Originally Posted by cuffy

Genius
1st 2 were $h!te tho

Proper minter!! I love those types of joke..

[_Stretchie_]

That prawn one is a proper Cuffy joke

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid
problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then realised
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a
good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

1 Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

[Stingo]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

You are the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever.

France and the United Nations have requested that the United Kingdom send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As Prime Minister, you must decide:

Do you: -

A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?

or do you: -

B) Tape it and watch it in the morning?

SENT TO ME VIA EMAIL

The Washcloth

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on.
There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to
make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet
the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a
quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little
surprised when the doctor said,

"My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and
went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom,.

"Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied,
"No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter
and sparkles saved inside it."