The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[andrewsmith]

After yesterdays football game

Newcastle 5, Sunderland 1


It has become apparent that the Postcode for the Stadium of sh**e (light) is: SR5 1SU
You think the royal mail were fancying a wind up for Monday morning?

Just a word of warning to all you eBay users. Don't buy any printer cartridges from any sellers in Yemen. I ordered a couple about a week ago and still no ****ing sign of them.

[Bluepete]

Scientists have proved that women can't actually multitask.

100 women were put in a room and told to sit down and shut up...

Pete

[DarrenSV650S]

Do you reckon they called the 'Saw' films saw so that people would say:

"Did you see saw?"

"Yeah I saw Saw."

"Did you see Saw 2?"

"I saw Saw 2 too"

"Did you see Saw 3?"

"No but I saw Saw 4"

"What did you see Saw 4 before you saw Saw 3 for?"

[Viney]

Originally Posted by 2hys

Just a word of warning to all you eBay users. Don't buy any printer cartridges from any sellers in Yemen. I ordered a couple about a week ago and still no ****ing sign of them.

I got mine this morning, it blew up so i phoned the helpdesk...

HD: Hello sir welcome to HP, how may i be helping you today
Me: My printer has blown up
HD: This sir is something that i can be helping you with
Me: Doubt it, its taken out the chocolate machine, the kitchen area and Dawn from acounts is missing, you can also see down to the 3rd floor
HD: Ok sir, this sounds like you need an engineer, please can i be having the serial number of the device
Me: No, you dont understand, its BLOW UP
HD: Im sorry sir, we can not be placing a service call without the serial number. You be plase retrieving the number and call us back....

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door. He sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first The right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his Corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in The bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

[Viney]

Crikey Jabz, that was posted last week!

by meeee :P

Originally Posted by 2hys

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the
door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old
red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off
first the right welly followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over
his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat
cap onto a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye
frightened the livin bejasus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed
Mick, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the
bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

always good to dust them off now and then

Just a word of warning to all you eBay users. Don't buy any printer cartridges from any sellers in Yemen. I ordered a couple about a week ago and still no ****ing sign of them.

[Viney]

Reeder, you're not funny