The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[gruntygiggles]

The Republicans in the US have just announced that they will be making it harder for people to claim benefits



They will now only be printing the forms in English!

Originally Posted by gruntygiggles

The Republicans in the US have just announced that they will be making it harder for people to claim benefits



They will now only be printing the forms in English!

Heard this, but UK version with david cameron yesterday.
Was most amusing!

The mafia needed a new collector of fees from all the local businesses they were "protecting". Feeling a rise in heat from the police they decided to use a deaf guy to make the collections, knowing if he were to get caught they'd never be able to communicate with him. A few weeks into his job the deaf collector has picked up over 50k but is getting greedy and decides to keep some money for himself.
Quickly the mafia figure out he's skimming off the top and bring him in for a little chat, questioning the deaf collector prooves useless as they're hired heavy cant communitcate with the deaf guy so they bring in an interpreter.

Ask him where the money is, says the heavy to the interpreter.
The deaf man replies through the interpreter "I have no idea what you're talking about"
Pulling out a large handgun and pointing it at the deaf guy the heavy repeats his question, so again the interpreter signs "where is the money?"
The deaf guy signs to his interpreter. "Its all safely hidden inside the 3rd tree from the 48th street entrance to the park"
The interpreter says to the heavy "He still says he doesnt know what you're talking about, and he also thinks you dont have the balls to pull the trigger"

lol
im nicking that one mate clasic

A man hadn't been feeling too great to goes to visit the doctor. He gets a full check up including some fairly invasive attention, and awaits the results. Finally the doctor comes in, looking quite somber. "Im afraid I have some very bad news" "you're dying and dont have much time left".
"OH NO! Thats terrible news, how long have I got?" Pleads the man.
"Ten" Replies the doctor
"Ten, Ten what? Years, Months, weeks...."
"Nine"
"WHAT? "
"Eight"
"Seven"
"Six"...

What do donkeys get for there dinner at Blackpool ?

The same as the donkeys at Morecombe...... half hour!!

A lady in a library wanted a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent
for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the undertaker pulled back the
sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better
roll him over.'

The undertaker rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't
Bubba..'

The undertaker thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt
up

Roll him over.'
The undertaker rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't
Bubba..'

The undertaker asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two *******s...

'What? He had two ass holes?' asked the undertaker.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two ass holes

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!


Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.


Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes like Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN




Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.