The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Originally Posted by Bluepete

I ashamed to admit my Uncle used to ejaculate on me.

Phew!

Glad I got that off my chest.

Pete

Guffaw

[andrewsmith]

Originally Posted by Bluepete

I ashamed to admit my Uncle used to ejaculate on me.

Phew!

Glad I got that off my chest.

Pete

I don't know weather to cringe or ring a priest

Originally Posted by andrewsmith

I don't know weather to cringe or ring a priest

A catholic priest is more likely to understand

[punyXpress]

Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked....
"Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did two little boys"?

"No" he replied, "That was Gary Glitter".

[Shawthing]

Murphy asked Paddy 'What ringtone have you got?'.
Paddy answers 'I've never realy looked, but probably light brown !'.

My mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week.
The driver said he had enough room to get around her but he didn’t have enough petrol.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:

The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:

those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.

So what? Who's in a hurry ?

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.

Never drink and derive

One nice thing about egotists:

They don't talk about other people.

There was a man who said,

"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...

and then it was too late

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

[punyXpress]

I am gonna open my Time Capsule tomorrow











Can`t wait to see how big my Puppy has got