The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Originally Posted by hovi5

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/VINTAGE-ONE-PIECE-HARRO-RACING-LEATHERS_W0QQitemZ290053399443QQihZ019QQcategoryZ9 943QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Originally Posted by grh1904

what's he selling? The leathers or his self

Not many people know that Tiger Woods owns a yacht.


Ever since the golfer Greg Norman got his big yacht, people around the world
have marveled at how big it is.


Well, Tiger Woods earned a lot more money playing golf than Greg Norman, and
he invested it in all the right places so he too could have a yacht.

Recently, Tiger withdrew some of his money and bought a yacht.

He had it decked out to his specifications, with all the things he wanted on
it.

He secretly did all of this, until it was ready to set sail.


A photographer, on assignment to photograph sea turtles migrating in the
ocean, happened upon the yacht, during it's initial shakedown cruise, and
got the very first photo of Tiger Woods yacht.


Here it is.

.

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Will. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'



'Well' replies Will 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'



'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks

Matthew.



'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.'



A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.



Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'



'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be ... Simon and Halfuncle'

Originally Posted by Swiss

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Will. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'



'Well' replies Will 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'



'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks

Matthew.



'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.'



A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.



Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'



'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be ... Simon and Halfuncle'

Oh that's sooo bad

.

[Viney]

Swiss that is so bad, its almost funny!

Why has Bernard Mathews got all his dead turkeys in trucks... ?



Cos his Bootisful

.