The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here - Page 38 - SV650.org

13-02-07, 09:53 AM

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by
mistake.

Both are in intensive care...............

One has a dodgy Tikka, the other is in a Korma.

13-02-07, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Triumphumphumph

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swiss

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be ... Simon and Halfuncle'

Oh that's sooo bad

Please no more, okay I'll tell you the top secret information just don't tell any more jokes like that.

13-02-07, 02:12 PM

THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you

Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new .
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend

Good : Your daughter got a new job
Bad : As a hoooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

13-02-07, 03:48 PM

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
Bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
Condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
Pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
Pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
For. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new
Suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a

New shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and It fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How

About some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I've got you there; I've worn a size 34 since I was
18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
Press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

14-02-07, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jdubya

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
Bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
Condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
Pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
Pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
For. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new
Suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a

New shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and It fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How

About some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I've got you there; I've worn a size 34 since I was
18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
Press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (easier if we had some emoticions to post) edit - found em

14-02-07, 08:55 AM

.

14-02-07, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bluewolf

What, like these....

...etc, etc...

Go the the "Go Advanced" option mate, they're all there.

Sorry - whereabouts?

14-02-07, 09:02 AM

.

14-02-07, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bluewolf

Top left corner, click on User CP, then Edit Options and right at the bottom of the page there's the options for your pages. Go to the WYSIWYG option and the smilies should appear at the right hand side.

Aha!!

yippee!! (Limited to 4 images - bum!)

Thank's Bluewolf

14-02-07, 03:14 PM

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name isBob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.

When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from the **** course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell ather. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill atthe club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many menwill find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on September 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver **** club rammed up his ****, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife, Debbie, was arrested and charged with murder;however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it.

14-02-07, 08:55 AM	#376
Bluewolf Guest Posts: n/a	. Last edited by Bluewolf; 06-04-11 at 01:19 PM.

14-02-07, 09:02 AM	#378
Bluewolf Guest Posts: n/a	. Last edited by Bluewolf; 06-04-11 at 01:19 PM.

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13-02-07, 09:53 AM	#371
skint Guest Posts: n/a	Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake. Both are in intensive care............... One has a dodgy Tikka, the other is in a Korma.

13-02-07, 02:12 PM	#373
Jdubya Guest Posts: n/a	THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY Good : Your wife is pregnant. Bad : It's triplets. Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago Good : Your wife's not talking to you. Bad : She wants a divorce. Ugly : She's a lawyer Good : Your son is finally maturing. Bad : He's involved with the women next door. Ugly : So are you Good : Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly : You're in them Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad : You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them Good : Your husband understands fashion. Bad : He's a cross-dresser. Ugly : He looks better than you Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad : She keeps interrupting. Ugly : With corrections Good : Your son is dating someone new . Bad : It's another man. Ugly : He's your best friend Good : Your daughter got a new job Bad : As a hoooker. Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients. Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

13-02-07, 03:48 PM	#374
Jdubya Guest Posts: n/a	The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The Bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare Condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the Pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the Pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live For. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new Suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and It fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How About some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I've got you there; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would Press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

14-02-07, 03:14 PM	#380
skint Guest Posts: n/a	It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. My name isBob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the ** course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell ather. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill atthe club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many menwill find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Bob EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on September 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver club rammed up his **, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife, Debbie, was arrested and charged with murder;however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it.