The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

I hate my father. He abandoned us just over ten years ago without so much as a phone call or a letter since.

The selfish ******* was probably too caught up in his new job at the World Trade Center

[DJ123]

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.

Up

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
POODLE: I'll get to it when I've finished my hair and my nails are dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said: - I forgot my teeth.

The man said: - No problem.
With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. - Try these - he said.
The speaker tried them. - Too loose - he said.
The man then said: - I have another pair...try these.
The speaker tried them and responded: - Too tight.
The man was not taken back at all. He then said: - I have one more pair of false teeth...try them.
The speaker said: - They fit perfectly.
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
- I can't thank you enough, is your practice local? - I've been looking for a good dentist.

The man whispered back: - I'm not a dentist, I'm an undertaker.

Watch this all the way through, sooo funny I nearly wet myself.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=791Dr...eature=related

Originally Posted by grh1904

Watch this all the way through, sooo funny I nearly wet myself.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=791Dr...eature=related

Aaaah nothing warms the cockles of the heart than watching Foreigners/Stupid People/Children getting hurt . I particularly laughed very loudly at the "Manhole Cover" ..... the Kitten took off and hasn`t come back since

Originally Posted by xXBADGERXx

Aaaah nothing warms the cockles of the heart than watching Foreigners/Stupid People/Children getting hurt . I particularly laughed very loudly at the "Manhole Cover" ..... the Kitten took off and hasn`t come back since

Should have cling-filmed the catflap...

[andrewsmith]

Originally Posted by orose

Should have cling-filmed the catflap...

That was excellent. I don't know which was funniest - the golf buggy going over or the woman folding herself in half in the gym

Line-up for the women's 100m: Wouldn't, wouldn't, would, maybe, up the wrong'un only, definitely wouldn't.