The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

My girlfriend dumped me outside a petrol station last week, now every time i drive past i want to fill up.

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

"Give it to me" she screamed, "I'm so wet, give it to me now".
"Sod off!", I said, "This is my umbrella".






I am 9 inches long. I do all the work and make you very happy! You use me every day what am I?


You pervert..... I am a tv remote!

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A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!. So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you miserable sod, I'll pay you back monthly!"

And the moral of this story is :- Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there's always a string attached!

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[punyXpress]

Someone on here said I'd go blind.
Here's proof I already have!

Me and the wife's usual sexual position is called the "England football team."

Neither of us know what we`re doing or why we`re there, there`s no passion, no commitment, no communication and we never make it past the first stages.
There`s horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet. It`s over far too quickly and when it does end I know it`ll be at least four years before it all happens again.

I was shocked to hear my dad had been sacked from his job as a lolly-pop man. Thay said he'd been stealing from work. I should have known something wasn't right, the signs were all there.

[punyXpress]

My Badge

The other day I needed to go to the local NHS hospital but not wanting
To sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic
ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the peoplegot up
And left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the badge.
Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency
service.






























































































































































It also works at all supermarkets. Saves me hours.

At the laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any
Machine, most still running!

Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole staff disappeared and I never got my order!

Also.......... never wear it while trying to get a taxi!!

[L3nny]

^^^^^ Cant see the pic mate

Kind of ruins the joke lol