The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here - Page 39 - SV650.org

14-02-07, 09:40 PM

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

15-02-07, 10:25 AM

> The Little Old Lady And The Biker...
>
> A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They
> couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and he would
> walk home.
>
> On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
> an anvil. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
> chickens
> and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem
> -- how to carry all his purchases home.
>
> While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
> who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 16
> Mockingbird
> Lane ?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 22 Mockingbird
> Lane . I would walk you home but I can't carry all this stuff."
>
> The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry
> the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose
> in your other hand?"
>
> "Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl
> home. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
> We'll be there in no time."
>
> The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and said, "I am a lonely
> widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
> alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your
> way with me?"
>
> The biker said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
> chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you against
> a wall and do that?"
>
> The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
> anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

15-02-07, 11:16 AM

Why did my motorcycle fall over?

Because she was two tyred!!

15-02-07, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Law

Why did my motorcycle fall over?

Because she was two tyred!!

Law, not you too!

15-02-07, 08:29 PM

For Valentines Day I bought my wife a new bag and a new belt. The hoover works a treat now!!

15-02-07, 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hovi5

For Valentines Day I bought my wife a new bag and a new belt. The hoover works a treat now!!

Excellent

funny and original.

Stu · 15-02-07, 11:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wyrdness

Excellent

funny and original.

Not if you'd already read it on LB

16-02-07, 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stu

Not if you'd already read it on LB

Viney · 16-02-07, 11:38 AM

Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered.

Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the airplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!"

16-02-07, 12:13 PM

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started
swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for
breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."

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14-02-07, 09:40 PM	#381
hovis Guest Posts: n/a	How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

15-02-07, 10:25 AM	#382
skint Guest Posts: n/a	> The Little Old Lady And The Biker... > > A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They > couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and he would > walk home. > > On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and > an anvil. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of > chickens > and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem > -- how to carry all his purchases home. > > While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady > who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 16 > Mockingbird > Lane ?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 22 Mockingbird > Lane . I would walk you home but I can't carry all this stuff." > > The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry > the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose > in your other hand?" > > "Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl > home. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. > We'll be there in no time." > > The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and said, "I am a lonely > widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the > alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your > way with me?" > > The biker said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two > chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you against > a wall and do that?" > > The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the > anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

15-02-07, 11:16 AM	#383
Law Guest Posts: n/a	Why did my motorcycle fall over? Because she was two tyred!!

15-02-07, 08:29 PM	#385
hovis Guest Posts: n/a	For Valentines Day I bought my wife a new bag and a new belt. The hoover works a treat now!!

16-02-07, 11:38 AM	#389
Viney Member Mega Poster Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: In the shadows to the left Posts: 7,700	Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the airplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!"

16-02-07, 12:13 PM	#390
Jdubya Guest Posts: n/a	A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sht mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops". WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fcking Coco Pops."