The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired
at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at
8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says
to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood
the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while
his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through,
so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.


God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the
kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their
lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went
grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid
the bills and balanced the check book.


He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to
do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV
while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans
for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher,
folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,
he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint.


The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:


"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my w ife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back."



The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son,
I feel You have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things
back to the way they were.



You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night ."

[Stingo]

Originally Posted by fizzwheel

pass me another ribcage - this one's split!!

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little b@st@rds!"

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."



A little ****ed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

[fizzwheel]

Originally Posted by SpankyHam

I got this sent to me per email today & haven't heard it before.

If you know it already then tough luck.


One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad to hear his son praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.

Now the father was terrified. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get
their
> parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
>> The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
> stories.
>> Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
> hens.
> One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front
> seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs
got
> broken.
> "What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
> "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the
teacher.
>> Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers
> too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen
> eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral
> to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'."
>> "That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. Michael, do you
have
a
> story to share?" asked the teacher.
> "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty
Sharon
> was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit.
>> She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
bottle
> of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on
the
way
> down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle
of
> 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until
> she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the
machete
> until
> the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare
hands."
>> "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral
did
> your
> daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
>> "Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Hornchurch.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

16p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£6 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news***

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it anyway.

Hi
> With fall upon us, and the days getting shorter,
> I thought you all would appreciate this superb, evocative,
> masterfully penned ode to the coming winter season.
>
> So, grab a coffee (with some Baileys, of course), a comfortable
chair,
> relax and scroll down to enjoy the warm feelings
> and pleasure that this wonderful poem will bring...
>
>









> " ODE TO WINTER "
>
> A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
>
>




















>
> "**** It's Cold!"
>
> The End