The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

...I've just got back from t'field and a dog's been at the sheep....it's a blood bath.

FARMER GEDDON

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?


















Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as The Beano.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.




4 Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff,11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?



















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Sigh ..... expected better at the end

Your mum's so fat, when she fell downstairs we thought Eastenders had finished

[Geodude]

Harharha nice one PsychoCannon

I thought the Wife was joking when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees...

And then I saw her face

[Geodude]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in three seconds.'

I bought her some scales...

I had a knock on the door yesterday and opened it two see to grim looking police officers at my door.

"I'm sorry sir, But it looks as if your wife has been in a very nasty accident"
I said
"I know, but it's alright, she's got a great personality"

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[yorkie_chris]

Originally Posted by christian1000

"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

No he isn't.