The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Originally Posted by Skip

Q: Whats brown and sticky?
A: A stick...

I thank you!

[Skip]

Originally Posted by Viper

Oi, I will have you know thats first class humour that!

Subject: FW: Bill gates



Bill gates dies and goes to heaven, he meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and his given the keys to a very big mansion with a pool and a rolls royce.
He settles down and enjoys himself and after a few weeks goes for a walk.

He meets a nother man who is dressed in a very smart suit, and Bill passes comment about it.
The man says "that's nothing, I was given 50 of these when I arrived plus 6 mansions and 6 cars."

Bill asks whether he was a Pope or a very well known doctor or something amazing but the man replies that he was only the captain of the Titanic.
Bill rushes of the see St. Peter and complains that why has he only got 1 of each when he invented microsoft and the captain of the Titanic has 6?
St. Peter replies that they actually use Microsoft,
Bill says "so?"
St. Peter says...


wait for it.....!



The Titanic only crashed once.

[_Stretchie_]

A penguin takes his car to a garage

The mechanic looks at it and says it’ll take him about an hour to check it out so the penguin goes to the shop to kill some time and orders an ice cream
The poor penguin has trouble eating the ice cream cos he has no hands and ends up getting it all over his beak
Anyway, he goes back to the garage and the mechanic says “It looks like you blew a seal”
The penguin says “Nah, that’s just ice cream…”

BOOM BOOM









I’ll get me coat

Originally Posted by _Stretchie_

A penguin takes his car to a garage

The mechanic looks at it and says it’ll take him about an hour to check it out so the penguin goes to the shop to kill some time and orders an ice cream
The poor penguin has trouble eating the ice cream cos he has no hands and ends up getting it all over his beak
Anyway, he goes back to the garage and the mechanic says “It looks like you blew a seal”
The penguin says “Nah, that’s just ice cream…”

BOOM BOOM









I’ll get me coat

Come back Cuffy (nearly) all is forgiven

Originally Posted by Beenz

Come back Cuffy (nearly) all is forgiven

I knew it wouldn't be long before the masses started calling back for there true comedy hero

Originally Posted by cuffy

I knew it wouldn't be long before the masses started calling back for there true comedy hero

Now, that IS funny...

Double Entendres

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on ****er Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off.

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Ace!!

[Viney]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old Fa*t, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster thinks a while and replies, "I tell you what, young stud, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BANG - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....third ferkin GAY rooster I've bought this month."


Moral of this story? .........


Don't mess with the OLD FAR*S - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!