The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[sniff]

My neighbour just confronted me about items missing off of his washing line.

I almost **** his pants!

[sniff]

30 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no hope, no cash and no jobs

[sniff]

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?",
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

[sniff]

Holistic Medicine

Muhammad the pakistani came over from pakistan
and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to a couple of local GPs,but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said:
'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room,crap in de bucket, pee on de crap, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Muhammad took the bucket, went into the other room, crapped in the bucket, peed on the crap, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'.

[sniff]

Gynaecological Visit

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years.
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water
was full of pennies."
"I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.

"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there
were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"

"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared
out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there,
it's nothing to be scared about," he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late......delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're simply going through the change!"

[_Stretchie_]

Originally Posted by sniff

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer earlier. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. '' I love you '' she said, then got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever ......... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

Awesome

Sent from my HTC Desire HD using Tapatalk

[Shawthing]

Originally Posted by sniff

Gynaecological Visit

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years.
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water
was full of pennies."
"I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.

"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there
were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"

"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared
out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there,
it's nothing to be scared about," he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late......delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're simply going through the change!"

We had a cat that would eat your coins, It wasn't large or pretty.
If ever you were sort of cash, there would be some in the kitty.

I know someone who's seen every episode of top gear 127 times, his name's dave.

Originally Posted by bluefishman

I know someone who's seen every episode of top gear 127 times, his name's dave.

I like that one.

[Paul the 6th]

According to my sons teacher,"playing on your phone or reading a magazine whilst having a shiit" is not an acceptable answer to "what is the number one cause of pins and needles?"

I beg to differ.