The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

COWS

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.... WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

The Royal wedding:

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter
around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were
finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and
said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour,
but it would not budge."Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I
told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God,
darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a Navy man!

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
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"Let me guess..................... Smallcox?"

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.



Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and
a Ham and Cheese Toastie."

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese
toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The
following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham
and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra
drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman." The crowd is hushed as the barman
gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the
rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid
on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one
week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the
tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old
mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties."

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the
barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and
Onion Toastie." The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will
like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with
a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best
friends, I know you'll love it."

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie." The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and
guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves. NEVER TO
RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only
served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When heis cleaning
down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The
barman says, "Who are you?"

To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent
your public house."

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every
night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see
you and this place was famous."

The rabbit says, "Yes I know."

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and
Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead."

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it."

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night. What happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"Damn" said the barman, "what from?". ..........






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After a short pause. The rabbit said... "Mixing Me Toasties."

Hovis...most of them city type folk wont get that...

[Viney]

Ah, a jim davidson classic that one Mr H

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whi skey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

A couple attending the National Art Gallery came across a painting depicting three naked black men sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises and the one in the middle had a pink one. The curator of the art gallery seeing the puzzlement on their faces went over to them and he went on and on explaining to them that this painting represented African American black men in a predominately white patriarchal society and in fact he went on to say ‘that some critics seems to think that the white penis represents the social and cultural suppression of black gay men’.
After the curator had left a Welshman walked over to them and asked if they really want to know what the painting is all about. The couple said ‘and how do you claim to know what is all about?’ ‘Because I am the guy who painted it” he replied ‘in fact’ he said ‘there is no African American representation or anything to do with gays. It is three Welsh coal miners sitting on a park bench and the one in the middle went home for lunch’.