The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[hindle8907]

Life is like a penis, simple, soft, straight, and relaxed.
Then women make it hard

I remember my most peaceful Christmas, the year my Mum mistakingly covered the Christmas cake in Temazepam

Topical!

Subtitle (Dutch) is "You're a shame to your mother and the country."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lztsyktTJlo

A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?


I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'


'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied................'Get your own f...ing blanket.'


The End

LOL!

I prefer the more realistic version where the woman is cold.

[Bluepete]

Kim Jong Il is dead.

That's the end of his Korea...

[Bluepete]

Just home from the world blindfold masturbation championships.

No idea where I came.

[Paul the 6th]

Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.

I can't do them, but my headphones sure ****ing can.

Shamelessly stolen from another forum, but made me smile...

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.

All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist,
you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough.

You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================
December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind
of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop
the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.

So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
they had to bring their darn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house.

You must think you're really cute...please cut it out.

Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1972

Hey Bonehead:

What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And
let me tell you, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1972

You rotten jerk:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those censored ladies.
They've been playing around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of censored.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes
================================================
December 24, 1972

Listen you "#$%*_"

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? You've
turned my home into a brothel. Those pipers got incredibly drunk on the egg
nog, ran through the maids. All twenty-three of the birds are dead.
They've been trampled to death in all the ruckus.

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanatorium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Happy Holidays,
Law Offices

And another...

FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th DECEMBER
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £5 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Patricia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patricia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE : 6th December
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £5 is too much money and Management believe £5 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patricia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Patricia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***** G Employees
DATE: 8 December
RE: The F******G Holiday Party.

Vegetarian p***ks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday - drink, drive, and die!

The censored from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 12th December
RE: Patricia Harris and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patricia a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.