The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Stingo]

Originally Posted by hovis

U2's bono name backwards is O-NOB

Hovis - you really must stop watching too much telly - (good tho' wasn't it? - Harry & Paul or whatever it was!! )

Originally Posted by hovis

U2's bono name backwards is O-NOB

And the home of Portsmouth FC is Krap nottarf

[Stingo]

Originally Posted by cuffy

And the home of Portsmouth FC is Krap nottarf

This is fun....


raglafarT.

[fizzwheel]

...

Originally Posted by Cloggsy

Big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Alabama. He shot and dropped a
bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Alabama. We settle small disagreements like this with the
"Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to
the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was
on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him
face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "O'kay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Read with an Irish accent...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."

============ PART TWO ===================

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off.

Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting noider."

========== PART THREE ==================

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hengliding.

Since it's St. George's Day, here's a topical joke...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are in a bar talking about their kids.

Englishman says "My son was Born on St George's day so we called him George"

Scotsman says "What a coincidence, my son was born on St Andrew's day so we called him Andrew"

Irish man says "Blimey - I can't wait to tell our Pancake about this"

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man frowned and said, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."






Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

Ere- Stingo- What bikes do Pirates ride?

Mr smith went to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The receptionist greeted him and said, "i'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs smith were sent aswell and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. The results suggest that the news is either bad or Terrible."

"What do u mean?"

"Well," says the receptionist, "one Mrs smith has tested positive for Alzheimers's disease and the other for AIDS and we can't tell which is your wife."

"My god, that's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" says a stunned Mr smith.

"Well, the doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the centre of town and if she finds her way home, don't f**k her."

This guy is flying down the road and he comes over the top of a bridge. Sure enough, on the other side, there is a cop sitting with a radar gun. The cop pulls him over and asks,
"what's the hurry?"
The guy replies "i'm late for work"
"oh yeah," says te cop, "what do you do?"
The guy responds, "i'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "What?, A rectum stretcher? and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

The guy says, "well i start with one finger, then work my way up to two, then three, then four, until i can fit both my hands inside, and slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, " what the hell do you do with a six foot @$$hole?"

The guy replied " you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge..."