The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex marriage, and
values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"


A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"



Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"



A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.



An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says,"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."



Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

A Blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.



GROANER ALERT...


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun,"

The other detective replied. "A golf gun?!

What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.



This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."



Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "*******" afterwards".

[Viney]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
>> > the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
>> >
>> > Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
>> > Paddy.
>> >
>> > Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
>> >
>> > Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
>> > face.
>> > "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
>> > himself off.
>> >
>> > He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
>> > "Shoite, Shoite!"
>> >
>> > He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just
>> > get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls
>> > to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head
>> > outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and
>> > takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
>> >
>> > "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
>> >
>> > He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
>> > hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies
>> > inside.
>> >
>> > He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'
>> > way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can
>> > make it to the bed."
>> >
>> >
>> > He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says
>> > "Fock it" and falls into bed.
>> >
>> > The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup
>> > of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.
>> > Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
>> >
>> > Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pi$$ed. But how'd you know?"
>> >
>> > "Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the
>>pub."

[SoulKiss]

Originally Posted by thedonal

Ere- Stingo- What bikes do Pirates ride?

ZZAAAARRRRRRRRs ???

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more,
yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in lowerManagement.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has beenmoved, congratulate themand put them in Top Management.


m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way thattheycanneitherbe seen nor heard from, put them on the board of Directors.

Originally Posted by Beenz

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more,
yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in lowerManagement.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has beenmoved, congratulate themand put them in Top Management.


m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way thattheycanneitherbe seen nor heard from, put them on the board of Directors.

Oh dear it seems I'm a human resource directing strategic planning in the Information technology dept, or rather I was but I left early!!

Driving to the office this morning on the M4(M), I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Women Drivers!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by SoulKiss

ZZAAAARRRRRRRRs ???

LOL! Yes!

Though I was thinking of

CB-AAAAAAAARRRRR's

Avast etc

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she
asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3
some ?

i said 'no i haven't as it happens'..........

So we drank a bit more and then she says to me that 'tonight was my lucky night then'.

I finished my drink quickly and went back to her house.......she put the hall
light on and shouted upstairs...













'mum....you awake ?'

[Stingo]

For Christmas I got a sweater.










I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.