The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Clever kid.

cheeky monkey

http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage84_1.html

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.



2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."



3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.


The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."



4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.



5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."



6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.



7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".



8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.



9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.



10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.



11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.



Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."



13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?



Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"



14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."



15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!



16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.



19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"



20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."



22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"



23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Spiderman]

Originally Posted by hovi5

cheeky monkey

http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage84_1.html

Brilliant

Dear Agony Aunt,

I've never written to you before, but I need some advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been seeing someone else. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I stay awake to look out for her taxi, but she always walks down the drive. I can usually hear a car driving off, as if she has just got out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked up her mobile just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to spy on her. I decided I was going to park my 2006 R1 next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind bike, that I noticed that the rocker covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a bit. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

etc.

[fizzwheel]

Originally Posted by mrs cuffy

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"


"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."




You've got to admit it's better than CUFFY'S

you should do a double act

a very loud overweight un attractive and hard faced woman walks into sainsburys with her two children in tow screaming obscenities at them.
The door greeter says "good morning madam and welcome to sainsburys-nice children youve got there,are they twins"
the fat ugly woman stops screaming at them long enough to snarl"of course they bloody arent,the oldest hes 9 and the younger one shes 7.why the hell would you think they're twins?...do you really think they look alike d**khead"
"absolutely not" says the greeter "i just can't believe anyone would **** you twice"

[fizzwheel]

Originally Posted by krazykim

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading
it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is
getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up
close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks
or my exhaust backfires

Thanks Fizz.