The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Bri w]

Last night on the way home from the pub I was stopped by the Police.

Policeman: "Excuse me sir but you were doing 90mph."
Says I, "That's impossible, I've only been in the car 10 mins."
Policeman, "can I have your name."
Says I, "so what do I use if you've got it?"
Policeman, "where were you between 5 and 11?"
Says I, "junior school."

Texted from the holding cells at Middlesbrough Police Station...

[punyXpress]

puny's confused:
But no more than usual!
Dementia - short and sweet...



Happy Christmas oneand all

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife aged 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

I just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Phoned the Lib Dem press office asking to buy a copy of their pre-election manifesto.

"Sorry, we've sold out."
"Yes I know that, but have you got any copies left?"

Adele song parody, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLYFhrl27hU

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"













The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

The new movie 'Iron Lady', about the life of Mrs Thatcher, has been classified PG. Apparently it's unsuitable for miners.

[Paul the 6th]

If my wife has got 6 oranges in one hand and 6 apples in the other hand, what has she got?

No chance of stopping an upper cut.

[Dave20046]

if you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand ....what have you got?






...
.
Kermit the frog's full attention

[andrewsmith]

Originally Posted by Dave20046

if you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand ....what have you got?






...
.
Kermit the frog's full attention

and Miss Piggy trying to attack you!!!