The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[dizzyblonde]

one to make kids snigger

Bubbles in the bath
By ivor Windybottom

Originally Posted by hovis

A lorry load of onions was spilled on the motorway today.

Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on

Originally Posted by cuffy

A lorry load of wigs have been stolen from a warehouse.
Police are combing the area for clues...oh the old'uns are the best

A lorry load of Viagra was hijacked earlier today.

Pollice are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.




An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that
flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the
man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?




Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"



A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[Stu]

Originally Posted by hovis

So I went to the butchers.

Said can I have those two pieces of beef up there.

He said, no, the steaks are too high.

Bloke walks into the butchers carrying a giant condom
"A pound 'a fillet"
Butcher says
"A pound you don't"

So I tried to phone the famous Tibetan Spiritual Leader........and was sent a goat with a long neck!!

Then I realised what I had actually called was "Dial-a-Llama"!!

Originally Posted by dizzyblonde

one to make kids snigger

Bubbles in the bath
By ivor Windybottom

*sniggers*

[Stingo]

This is the funniest thing that you will ever hear...get your earphones on...there is no use of anglosaxon style language...enjoy...

http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=372

I got christened with a flamethrower you know. That was a baptism of fire.

And the vicar was wearing a gorilla costume. That was a blessing in disguise

- Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.





- Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.





- Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.





- Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.





- Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.






- Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.





- Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.





- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…

MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe : ruled by a ****…

In The Beginning & Health

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double Cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said, "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled and created the Health Service Executive.

~~o~~ THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION ~~o~~

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

~~o~~ CONCLUSION ~~o~~

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.