The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

I was going to put this in the "bump" thread, but decided against it

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only
broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP........BUMP.. BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came .......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil
is waiting for him.
I don't know what to do here, "says the devil.”You are on my list but I
have no room for you. "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad
as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves..."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room: in it were Richard Nixon and a large pool
of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in
spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.........................................



OK, Monica, you're free to go!

How come leopards can still climb trees even though their fingers and toes have dropped off?

[Stingo]

WE NEED YOU! Just Print, Fill in and Post to MOD,
WhiteHall, London , SW1



ROYAL AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT


I, Crabby, swear to sign away four years of my useless
life to the Royal Air Force because I know I couldn't
hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten
me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for
the work done by others more dedicated than me who
take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any
form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bleep
test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Crown, even though I
believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk
around calling everyone by their first name because I
know I'm not really in the military and I find it
amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a
better quality of life than all those around me and
will at all times be sure to make them aware of that
fact.

After completion of my (he he) "basic training," I
will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy
sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Sick Bay
Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all
others, and will make an effort to clean the knife
before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I
will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it
makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and
will go home early everyday.

I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and
understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday
probably will outrank me tomorrow.


So help me God.


Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________



BRITISH ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT


I, Pongo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre
life to the British Army because I couldn't score high
enough on the entrance test to get into the Air Force,
I'm not tough enough for the Royal Marines, and the
Royal Navy won't take me because I can't swim or read.

I will wear CS95's every day and tuck my trousers into
my boots because I can't figure out how to use
Twisters. I will promise to tell myself every day that
I am a fierce killing machine because the RSM told me
I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever
will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make L/Cpl in my
first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is
because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC
training, I will attend a different Army school once
every other month and return knowing less than I
did when I left.

On my first leave after basic, I will walk around like
I am cool and propose to my sixth form girlfriend. I
will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out
she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air
Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will
continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge
while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will
arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report
back to the "section." I understand that I will
undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a
job in civi street, and will end up working in
security at Tesco with my friends from high school. I
will brag to everyone about the Army giving me £1500
for education, but will be unable to use it because I
can't pass a placement exam.


So help me God.


Signature:__________________ Date:_______________




ROYAL NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE


I, Popeye, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign
away four years of my life to the Royal Navy because I
want to hang out with Marines without actually having
to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was
too gay and because I thought, "Hey, I like to
swim...Why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in
1976 and to have my name stenciled on the **** of
every item of clothing I own. I understand that I will
be mistaken for the Good Humour man during the summer,
and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive
to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using words like "deck,
bulkhead, lid, and head," when I really mean "floor,
wall, hat, and toilet."

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy
acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for
that matter, are completely different from the other
services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every
morning unless I am mates with the Chief, in which
case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone
my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can
stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon
and still not spill a drop.


I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at
least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once
selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to
the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my
new-found "colleagues."

So help me Neptune.


Signature:__________________ Date:_______________




ROYAL MARINES OATH OF ENLISTMENT


I, ________________ (state name here), swear...
uhhhh... hard-and-fast... grunt... Green Lid... ugh...
WRNS.... HOORAH!

So help me Corps.


Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________


You just gotta love that last one!!

Not sure if this is the right thread - but gave me a giggle

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php

[Viney]

Originally Posted by fizzwheel

Stingo quality post mate

Maybe but im sure we had that one before and we added a few extras, one i remember being....

101 keithd to make a lightbulb refrence abut Scoobs head!

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai

5) Small Horse ...........Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni

8} I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ........Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu

[fizzwheel]

Moved to joke thread

Originally Posted by Cloggsy

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention...

Anyway the fella who was driving got out, he was a dwarf!!!!

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well which one are you then?”

Nice

[tinpants]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of
you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far
south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad ,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and
Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get
in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in
settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya
bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though,
but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what
ya doing!


At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back
paddock!!


This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even
load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to
steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you
reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter, Sheila