The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Paul the 6th]

Originally Posted by RichT

Two Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.


Both in hospital

...one's in a korma

...the other's got a dodgy tikka!

And all this after a few weeks worrying whether their grandmother was going to survive pneumonia... thankfully their na'an is now fine.

[Spiderman]

Originally Posted by Thunderace

If we made soldiers' body armour out of copies of the Qu'ran, the Taliban would be ****ed.

Not only is this mildly racially/religiously wrong but its not even funny. All those soldiers would simply get shot in the head.

FAIL> must try harder.

I thought it was hilarious! Best joke I've heard this year!

[Bluepete]

Why did God invent Policemen?

So that Firemen could have heros too!

Pete

[punyXpress]

Biker snowman, stopped by the speed Gestapo, faces the ultimate sanction . .

[Essex of Essex]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON..........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK............you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK............you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON..........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK............you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON..........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK............they are called managers.

[Bluepete]

I found some salad cream that had a use by date of 21/12/12.

Turned out it wasn't salad cream, it was mayanaise!

Pete

Originally Posted by Bluepete

I found some salad cream that had a use by date of 21/12/12.

Turned out it wasn't salad cream, it was mayanaise!

Pete

Huge groan

[punyXpress]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

[LewSpeight]

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you havin a go! This is a sentimental time of the year.Please send an encouraging message to ****ed up friends, just as I've done. I dont care if you lick windows, or occassionally **** yourself. You hang in there cupcake, you're ****in special, you're my friend! Look at you smiling at your phone! You ********. Happy xmas