The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Police have stopped wouldbe terrorists trying to drive a 4x4 into the Ulley resevoir in Sheffield.

A police spokesman believes it could be the start of "Ram-A-Dam"

Originally Posted by cuffy

Police have stopped wouldbe terrorists trying to drive a 4x4 into the Ulley resevoir in Sheffield.

A police spokesman believes it could be the start of "Ram-A-Dam"

18 year old goes into a bar orders 8 double whiskys, barman says wat u drowning your sorrows or celebrating for, he says "a blow***", the barman turns round and says well done mate and passes him a ninth, the lad turns round and says cheers mate but if 8 dont get rid of this taste i dunno what will

Originally Posted by plowsie

18 year old goes into a bar orders 8 double whiskys, barman says wat u drowning your sorrows or celebrating for, he says "a blow***", the barman turns round and says well done mate and passes him a ninth, the lad turns round and says cheers mate but if 8 dont get rid of this taste i dunno what will

Originally Posted by Viper

i thought was pretty good lol i have another one but i'll leave it for another day

What Law School Will Do to a Christmas Poem


The Night Before Christmas - in Legal Retrospect

Whereas, on or about the night prior to
Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved
piece of real property hereinafter "the House"
a general lack of stirring by all creatures
therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stockings, socks,
etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney
in said House in the hope and/or belief that St.
Nick a.k.a. St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at some time
thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the
aforementioned House, were located in their
individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of
confectionery treats, including, but not limited
to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said
dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes
hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the
joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
party of the second part (hereinafter "Momma"),
and said Momma had retired for a sustained
period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were
clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief
and cap).

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning,
there did occur upon the unimproved real
property adjacent and appurtenant to said House,
i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown
nature, cause, and/or circumstance. The party of
the first part did immediately rush to a window
in the House to investigate the cause of such
disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did
observe, with some degree of wonder and/or
disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the
"Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately eight
reindeer.

The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in
fact, was the previously-referenced Claus. Said
Claus was providing specific directions,
instruction and guidance to the approximately
eight reindeer and specifically identified
the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher,
Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and
Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon
information and belief, it is further asserted
that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph"
may have been involved).

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the
Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully
trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the
House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily
laden with packages, toys and other items of
unknown origin or nature.

Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the
Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered
said House via said House's carbon particulate
matter emitter, sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "Chimney."

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was
partially covered with residue from the chimney,
and he carried a large sack containing a portion
of the aforementioned packages, toys and other
unknown items.

He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a
small pipe in blatant violation of local
ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to
fill the stocking of the minor children, which
hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and
other small gifts. (Said items did not, however,
constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the
applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code).

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the
side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended
up the Chimney of the House to the roof where
the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as
"lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an
unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle,
Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the
first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a
good night!" Or words to that effect, also in
violation of local environmental Noise Control
regulations.
Author unknown

[fizzwheel]

Moved to Jokes thread...

Originally Posted by Jdubya

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work!"

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

[phil24_7]

Apologies if already posted but 78 pages is a little more time than I have!!

Police today have shut of Liverpool airport due to a suspicious car. The car in question had a registered keeper, was taxed and insured!!!

3 women walking down the beach and see a man with no arms and no legs ,one woman says, "have you ever been hugged", he says "no i haven't" so she bends down and gives him a hug. The next lady asks "have you ever been kissed?" the man replies "no i havent" so she kisses him. The next lady says to him "have you ever been f***ed?" with a smile on his face he replies "no i haven't" she says "well you will be when the tide comes in"