The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Bluepete]

I pity the courtroom artist at Rolf Harris' trial. Talk about pressure!

Pete

[DJ123]

Was my French teacher into golden showers?

Oui

[punyXpress]

THE CONFESSIONAL BOX

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the
Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine
photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid
their garments.

He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

[kaivalagi]

This one just got emailed to me:

What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold
beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated
some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and
I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is
because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers
about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

[DarrenSV650S]

[punyXpress]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back .................................................. ...............................
.................................................. .................... Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

[LewSpeight]

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today." he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said, "No wonder he came off it then."

[BanannaMan]

When I was a teen safe sex meant locking the car doors.

[BanannaMan]

My wife:


My wife came home all flustered and told me she didn't know if she was coming or going, I told her she was probably going, as when she was coming she looked like a Downes syndrome girl trying to whistle!


My wife is a sex object, everytime I ask for sex she objects!


My wife goes to her doctor and asks "What's the easiest way to lose weight?"
He replies, "Try shaking your head side to side!"
My wife asks, "How often should I do this?"
The doctor replies, "Every time you're offered food you fat ****!"


I went to my solicitor and told him I was looking to get a divorce because my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months, he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to find!"



A mate told me his wife was an angel. I told him "you're lucky, mine's still living.




I'm really starting to develop an attachment for my wife.
It fit's over the mouth.



My wife's such a hag, when she answers the door on Halloween kids give her candy.

[punyXpress]

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM WEST TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER ATE OATMEAL SALTED WITH GUN POWDER RELIGIlOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED, SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 34 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE...