The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

For Mothers out there, and Fathers!


WHEN I'M OLD ....

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness...just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my sock s and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

how much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

pantene

Originally Posted by keithd

how much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

pantene

????

[fizzwheel]

Originally Posted by therealvw

????

hint say "pantene" in a cockney accent...

Originally Posted by keithd

how much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

pantene

And does the irish fella use Timotei?

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in The morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we Broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out Into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Originally Posted by hovis

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
ETC ETC

Very funny pal, very funny

Originally Posted by fizzwheel

hint say "pantene" in a cockney accent...

Tried that and it still does not make any comedic sense!

[Skip]

Originally Posted by therealvw

Tried that and it still does not make any comedic sense!

pan-tene = "poun"-"ten" = 1 Pound 10?

Originally Posted by Skip

pan-tene = "poun"-"ten" = 1 Pound 10?

Lost cause me thinks