The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Skip]

Originally Posted by Viper

Lost cause me thinks

Couldnt see him floundering in the dark like that!

Originally Posted by Skip

Couldnt see him floundering in the dark like that!

I know, i dont like night fishing either

Originally Posted by Viper

Lost cause me thinks

yep, thought the joke would have more to it. Sorry!


and whats this about flounder fishing..??



HEHE

You must be a policeman if;

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.

Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

You can identify a negative "teeth to tattoo" ratio just by looking at a person.

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year.

You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for arrest.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Wow, it's really quiet tonight..."

You refer to your truncheon as an "idiot slayer".

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...getting it right the first time."

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.

You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a hired car to a particular local bar.

You believe the dispatcher is a **** magnet who is possessed by a demon.

Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

You have heard the Duty Sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"

When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.

You believe that the cells should be provided with a Prozac saltlick.

It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the Twilight Zone.

You believe anyone who says, "I only had two or three beers" is going to be four times over the limit.

You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.

You have difficulty differentiating between counsel and client.

You do not see daylight from November to May.

People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.

You believe in involuntary sterilization.

You believe office meetings are always called at the end of YOUR shift.

Originally Posted by Bluewolf

You must be a policeman if;
you believe you're above the law
you speak 'in a nature that contradicts the process ususally accepted by the population established amongst the british isles, for a reason unknown; pending investigation'

had to... sorry

[Bluepete]

Bluewolf,
I've just pi**ed myself laughing at those, sooooooooo true! Well done.

My dad thought so too, especially the "idiot slayer" one.

An Australian walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.



He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a

deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my genitals inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In

return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."



The crowd murmured in unanimous approval.



The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his

privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as

the crowd gasped.



After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and

smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.The croc opened his

mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.



The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.



The Australian stood up again and made another offer.



"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over

the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.



A Blonde Australian woman timidly spoke up..........."I'll try it! ....



Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

Sung to the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It....."

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's good enough for me
'Cos it's all the proof I need
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad),
Bomb Iraq.

If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even If we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

Originally Posted by Bluewolf

Sung to the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It....."

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's good enough for me
'Cos it's all the proof I need
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad),
Bomb Iraq.

If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even If we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

old but I love it!