The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Stu]

As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been specially altered to embrace the culture of the area. A copy of the changes has been leaked and is reproduced below:

Opening Ceremony
The flames will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium
The Events
In previous Olympic games East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.

100 meters sprint
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from the cage 10 meters behind the athletes
110 Meter Hurdles
As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc)
Hammer
Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc) The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within 3 attempts
Fencing
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes
Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a browning automatic pistol or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.
Boxing
Entry into the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of larger, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time trials
Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, All against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji Rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming events
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be arranged. Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be supplied by "The Verve".
The Marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men's 50 KM Walk
Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford, especially anyone that appears to be mincing.
The Closing Ceremony
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford mental health in the community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Walthamstow Community Choir. The flames will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham supporters.
The stadium itself will then be boarded up by the council before local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler!

To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games

[Stingo]

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy."I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"



You're gonna LOVE me for this!



The third piggy says:

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

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Subject: Life!

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude women.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.
When one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "shall we ?" She eagerly replies, "Oh Yes. But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head".

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish they were married, or wish they weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

the Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

[_Stretchie_]

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double
vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I
just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like
women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLU5xMwoBmk

Farmer tom goes to the doctor suffering with constipation.

"I haven`t gone for a week" said tom

"I`ll give you these suppositories and when you go home this evening i want you to put one in your back passage and one every evening for the next week" said the doctor

A week later tom returns to the doctor.

"How did you get on tom" said the doctor

"No joy doc" said tom

"You put one in your in your back passage every evening like i said ?" said the doctor

"Yes doc I put one in my back passage every evening like you said but I might as well have shoved them up me ar$e for all the good it done me"!!!

Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one.. His dad smirks & throws a pillow at the door saying " get outta here you little sh"t"

A couple of hours later dad hears a commotion coming from johnnys bedroom.. he goes up to find johnny giving his grandma one...

johnny smiles....." not so funny when its your mum is it.. ? "