The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Bluepete]

I've been trying to come up with a Miley Cyrus joke, but it's just not twerking!

Pete

[punyXpress]

SPAGHETTI


For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage. He said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti!

Two with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

[DarrenSV650S]

[BanannaMan]

I finally found the perfect girl
I couldn't ask for more
She's deaf and dumb and oversexed
and owns the liquor store!





What do pikeys and wheat have in common?
They are both in bread.



My local council has introduced clear bin bags.
They say it's so the Pikeys can go window shopping.


The EU has decided that you are no longer allowed to use the word Pikey.
You must now use the phrase: Caravan Utilising Nomatic Travellers or ****'s for short.


I once got into an argument with a Pikey, and I was bricking it after he threatened to get his dad, his brother, and his uncle to all find me and beat me up.
Imagine my relief when they all turned out to be one person.


What do you call a Pikey selling watches?
A time traveller.

[Dave20046]

nananananananananananananananananana Dazzla!

[punyXpress]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Dave20046]

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=8ac_1386933994

Yawkshire commentary

(not safe for work, totally legitimate and aired but there may be the odd yorkshire-ism)

[Dave20046]

Is the definition of a onesie ...

... a selfie taken by a member of the Royal Family?

[punyXpress]

Corny I know, but:

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales .

At the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch,
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the blonde waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said: -

'Burrr .......gurr .......king'

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.