The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Originally Posted by keithd

was kinda hoping that may have been a kick start to a thread about the recent "poisoning double agent" shinanegans.....

I nominate Admin2 as forum member most likely to have been poisoned by the Russians

Originally Posted by Razor

http://jimbuie.blogs.com/journal/files/PsychiatricAnsweringMachine.mp3

Not the first time I've heared this but still got me laughing after a few beers.

[21QUEST]

..... and again


Passing the time on a long flight

A stranger was seated next to a Jamaican on Air
Jamaica when the stranger turned to the Jamaican and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The Jamaican, who had just turned on some reggae on his walkman,
turned it down, and said to the stranger,

"Wha yu like fe discuss, Sah?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger thinking that he would stump the Jamaican, he said, "Nuclear power?"

"Aaaright," said the Jamaican. "dat could be one in-tresting topic. But mek me ask yu one question fus".

"Go ahead, said the stranger".

"A donkey, a cow an deer all eat grass, rite? Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow tun
out flat patties, 'an donkey produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, den," said the Jamaican, "How de rass is it dat yu feel qualified fe discuss nuclear power wen yu don't
even know sh*t?





Cheers
Ben

[fizzwheel]

Originally Posted by Stingo

GOVERNMENT JOB


A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says, "I
was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you
extra points toward employment."

He then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a
mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer
tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The Hours are from 8:00 A.M.
to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
we stand around scratching our b*lls. no point in you coming in for that.

My 2 best jokes are pretty long so bare with them

Chinese Torture:

A guy is out camping in the woods to get back in touch with nature.
On day he is trecking around in the woods when he gets caught out in a sudden and violent storm.

Desperate for shelter he thanks his lucky stars when a flash of lightning lights up a house nestled amoungst the trees in the middle of no-where.

He runs up and knocks on the front door, after what seems like an eternity, a small, frail chinese man answers the door.

Ushering the poor man in and taking his wet coat off him he is invited to sit in front of a warm fire and stay until the morning.

"There is just one condition" says the little old man.
"I live out here in the middle of no-where to keep my beautiful young daughter safe from men, if you so much as lay a finger on her, I will inflict upon you the 3 worst chinese tortures known to man!"

Well...he thinks, how hard can that be? I'm cold, wet, miserable and need the shelter, how hard can it be to behave for a night?, so he agrees.

Once he is dry the chinese man invites Tom to dinner and as he heads towards the smell of food the most amazing girl he has ever seen in his life comes floating down the stairs, he is dumb struck.

As soon as she lays eyes on the man she lights up and practically smoulders having not seen a man in the flesh as long as she can remember.

All through dinner she is eyeing him up and giving him signs and playing with his legs under the table making it hard for him to concentrate but the old man doesn't seem to notice.

as they retire that night the girl whispers to the man
"My room is at the end of the hall opposite to the end where you and my dad sleep, come see me!"

All night he can't sleep just thinking about it and decides that the man is old and frail, he won't hear a thing and besides, what's the worst he could do!

he sneaks down the hall and the girl opens her door at the first knock dressed in the most stunning lingere he's ever seen.

They spend the entire night together in the most amazing night of the mans life and he crawls exhausted back to his room just as dawn breaks where he collapses onto his bed certain that he has not made a noise.

He wakes some hours later to feel a weight on his chest.
He opens his eyes and sees a large rock on his chest with a label stuck to it.
Confused he lifts up the rock and reads the note:

"Chinese Torture 1: Heavy Rock on Chest"

The guy has to clamp his mouth shut to stop himself laughing, if this is the best the old man can do it was easily worth it!

Walking over to the open window he hurls the stupid rock out and notices a 2nd note stuck to the window.

"Chinese Torture 2: Left Testicle tied to rock"

Eyes wide he looks down and sure enough horror dawns as he sees a rapidly dissapearing spool of wire leaving the window after the rock.

Deciding a few broken bones would be better than castration he leaps out the window after the rock.
As he decends he sees a large message painted across the lawn below.

"Chinese Torture 3: Right Testicle tied to bed post"

http://www.dailymotion.com/tag/joke/...0i_italiantime

Originally Posted by fizzwheel

i liked that one.

[Spiderman]

Originally Posted by PsychoCannon

http://www.dailymotion.com/tag/joke/video/xo90i_italiantime

Wow first time ive seen a film version of a joke that ive heard a million times. How wierd. Even if the version i heard was of a Mexican but the rest was all the same.
Freaky!

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!



DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more wine.


13 Things PMS Stands For:

1 Pass My Shotgun

2 Psychotic Mood Shift

3 Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5 People Make me Sick

6 Provide Me with Sweets

7 Pardon My Sobbing

8 Pimples May Surface

9 Pass My Sweat pants

10. ****y Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Some things to ponder

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.