The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[SoulKiss]

Originally Posted by DarrenSV650S

mmmmmmm nigella

Wonder if she's as big a tart as her dad was.

He managed to F**K the whole country back in the 80's with the Poll Tax...

[punyXpress]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us ,also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story...did you??

10 years ago Bob Hope died
5 years ago Johnny Cash died
A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died
A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died
Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It
Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls!
Happy New Year !!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bluepete]

A girl asked her Mum why she was called Rose. Mum said because a rose fell on you when you were born.

The second daughter asked why she was called Daisy. Mum said because a daisy fell on you when you were born.

The third daughter asked Dhdyvtendisneytegebssbbbbllll.

Mum said "shut up refrigerator"

Pete

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky presenter said " she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" I just happened to glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off !

[andrewsmith]

Originally Posted by The Idle Biker

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky presenter said " she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" I just happened to glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off !

Mexican and black jokes are pretty much all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

A man phones an airfix model shop and asks "do you have a model of an italian cruise liner " the shop owner replies " yes we have just one left" the man says "can you put it on one side for me "

[punyXpress]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage..'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?

I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said

'OK, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..


Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'


You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)................


The little girl said,

'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Two Glaswegians have been found clinging to tables just above the water line in the bar of the Costa Concordia.

They told rescuers to feck off and find somebody else, because they were on an all inclusive package.