The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[BanannaMan]

Facebook.
Letting you know what someone you never spoke to at school is having for dinner since February 2004.



"Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook."





A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Geodude]

Eggscellent Bill haha. lol

[DarrenSV650S]

Originally Posted by BanannaMan

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

lol it's the exact opposite when I'm in the car with my parents. My dad just about has a nervous breakdown when he is a passenger in my mums car. SLOW DOWN!! while she is going 45 in a 60

[BanannaMan]

My girlfriend is a porn star.
She is going to be sooo ****ed off when she finds out.



I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.

[BanannaMan]

It doesn't matter if the Olympics are now being held in Russia, there will still be hundreds of blacks running about London, trying to take either gold, silver or bronze.



Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.
They observed that after they gave three men twelve pints, suddenly they talked ****e, gained weight and couldn't drive.






Have you heard about the new app exclusively for iPhone's ?
Public Telephone Box Locator

That last one made me properly laugh out loud. Its so true as well. My iPhone is carp for making calls.

[BanannaMan]

Did you hear about the Olympic official who shot someone with a starting gun?
He's been charged with race crimes.



I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm f***ing not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f***ing drunk."



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Donner kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[BanannaMan]

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting.

Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this F***ing sweater!"






I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you ****ing idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said. "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

[BanannaMan]

I had to change a lightbulb yesterday.
A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a bar.
No wonder my life is a joke.






My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.'
All because I'm a 54 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal!



The 'War Against Terrorism.'
Finally a way of teaching geography to Americans!



.

[littleoldman2]

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This was caused by the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get angry and buy another product instead.
>
> Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem since their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
>
> The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP and third-parties selected. Six months (and £millions) later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop and someone would have to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to restart the line.
>
> A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project and sees amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. There were very few customer complaints and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!,” he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
>
> It turns out the number of defects picked up by the scales was zero after three weeks of production use. It should have been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
>
> Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales are installed.
>
> A few feet before the scale was an inexpensive desk fan blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.
>
> “Oh, that,” says one of the workers, “one of the guys put it there ‘cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.”