The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes - Page 91 - SV650.org

13-02-14, 11:39 AM

Like it LOM. Do you work in manufacturing by any chance.

BanannaMan · 14-02-14, 07:10 AM

What do you call a pointless race that covers 2,200 miles throughout France?

The French.

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "It used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,

"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "**** me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un ****ing-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"In-****ing-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.... How ya doin', Dave?"

14-02-14, 08:37 AM

Are David Cameron, Ed Miliband and other politicians visiting flooded towns and villages in the Thames Valley because they think they might be able to influence some floating voters?

Too soon..........?

carelesschucca · 14-02-14, 08:55 AM

More like too true.

Richie · 16-02-14, 06:08 PM

keith_d · 18-02-14, 09:18 AM

Friedrich Nietzsche demonstrated that he didn't understand Darwin's theory of natural selection when he wrote, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

BanannaMan · 26-02-14, 06:06 AM

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "65."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?"

chris8886 · 26-02-14, 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BanannaMan

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "65."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?"

LOL! I love you banannaMan, the way you're able to take the pi55 out of yourself and fellow americans!

26-02-14, 11:22 PM

A pair of engineers jokes

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and
spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man,
"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

---
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." And asks the keeper:
"What's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving school children from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

BanannaMan · 27-02-14, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chris8886

LOL! I love you banannaMan, the way you're able to take the pi55 out of yourself and fellow americans!

Who's takin the ****?
I gave em' 15 points!

Hey, we can't help it if we're the richest, most powerful nation in the world with the healtiest, most attractive, friendliest, smartest and most intelligent people.
And we know everyone wants to be just like us and move to America and ride Harley Davidson's and drive 4X4 pickups and watch world champion NFL Football and live the American Deam!!!
Yee hah!!!

To pretend to not know, is the same as not knowing, no?

13-02-14, 11:39 AM	#901
ClunkintheUK Guest Posts: n/a	Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes Like it LOM. Do you work in manufacturing by any chance.

14-02-14, 07:10 AM	#902
BanannaMan Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Appalachia Posts: 419	Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes What do you call a pointless race that covers 2,200 miles throughout France? The French. A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20." "Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, "It used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity". "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "** me, a new brothel and a new madam". "I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un ing-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home. "In-ing-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.... How ya doin', Dave?" __________________ ...Bill "The Mountains are calling and I must go"**

14-02-14, 08:37 AM	#903
Jabba Guest Posts: n/a	Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes Are David Cameron, Ed Miliband and other politicians visiting flooded towns and villages in the Thames Valley because they think they might be able to influence some floating voters? Too soon..........?

14-02-14, 08:55 AM	#904
carelesschucca Member Mega Poster Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Kilsyth - Bonnie Scotland Posts: 2,727	Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes More like too true. __________________ Innuendo - it's great when you get it. sv650s (gone) gsx-r600 (gone) Street R675 (now living in Inbhir Nis )

18-02-14, 09:18 AM	#906
keith_d Member Mega Poster Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Ruislip Posts: 1,131	Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes Friedrich Nietzsche demonstrated that he didn't understand Darwin's theory of natural selection when he wrote, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

26-02-14, 06:06 AM	#907
BanannaMan Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Appalachia Posts: 419	Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "140." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research. The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "65." The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?" __________________ ...Bill *"The Mountains are calling and I must go"*

26-02-14, 11:22 PM	#909
christian1000 Guest Posts: n/a	Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes A pair of engineers jokes A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The man below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." --- A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." And asks the keeper: "What's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving school children from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" Last edited by christian1000; 26-02-14 at 11:32 PM.

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