The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

made me chuckle at work

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[SoulKiss]

Originally Posted by Bellerophon

I'm sorry, but I find Swiss' "joke" highly offensive. I'm a pretty broadminded bloke but that was just bang out of order.

They haven't (AFAIK) been charged with anything and should remain innocent until proven guilty. I can't even begin to imagine how bad it must be to find your child is missing, but to make a "joke" out of someone elses horrifying situation is just wrong.

If there are any decent mods reading this I hope they will delete the aforementioned post.

Sorry for the rant, but "jokes" like this really p*ss me off.

Sorry, but I dont recall you speaking up about the most similar joke to this one.

Remember the one about how Pavarotti's funeral vehicle would be a Nissan Dorma ?

[tinpants]

Probably 'cos I didn't see it???

Oh deary deary me. After a good laugh at some of these on the last page I've spent most of my time looking at peoples opposing views on what is sick and what isn't. Tell you what, why don't the posters on here not post things which people might perceive as being sick, un-P.C., sexist, racist, ageist, sizeist, ugliest, fattest, (by the way I'm not ugliest or fattest-you are!) and any other ist there is. it is a bit naughty and you will always get someones goat.

Now my turn.

Did you hear about the fella that had his whole left side cut off? He's alright now.

Man walks into a bar. Ouch.

That's not leftism is it?

Originally Posted by teriyakimonkey

Oh deary deary me. After a good laugh at some of these on the last page I've spent most of my time looking at peoples opposing views on what is sick and what isn't. Tell you what, why don't the posters on here not post things which people might perceive as being sick, un-P.C., sexist, racist, ageist, sizeist, ugliest, fattest, (by the way I'm not ugliest or fattest-you are!) and any other ist there is. it is a bit naughty and you will always get someones goat.

But if we do that nothing much will get posted!

anyway who knows which double act used to say OOH TEN PENCE SHORT

SHORTISM!

Ooh I could croosh a grape!

[SoulKiss]

Sci-Fi Geek Chat-up lines, things you may hear at a Star Trek Convention......

"Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"

"I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"

"Nice Asimov."

"Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."

"Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"

"I'm the droid you're looking for."

"Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."

"Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."

"Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me play with myself while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"

Originally Posted by SoulKiss

Sci-Fi Geek Chat-up lines, things you may hear at a Star Trek Convention......

"Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"

"I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"

"Nice Asimov."

"Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."

"Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"

"I'm the droid you're looking for."

"Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."

"Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."

"Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me play with myself while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"

http://www.singletrackworld.com/foru...27e14b8b2fd63a