The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

The other day someone said to me "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."
I thought "that's a turn-up for the books."

Originally Posted by skidmarx

http://www.singletrackworld.com/foru...27e14b8b2fd63a

Absolute CLASS!!!

I nearly wet myself reading that!!!

[Stingo]

Originally Posted by Jdubya

Absolute CLASS!!!

I nearly wet myself reading that!!!

PMSL!!. Now that is the funniest thing in the quintessential list of jolly funny things. Ever.. Beware - you will need dry underwear and a supply of tissues. Great.

Two mates in a pub and one says to the other

"If I sh*g your misses and she gets pregnant, does that make us related?"

His mate says " no but it makes us even".

Tommy was playing in the house with his balloon; throwing it this way and that, punching it up in the air, bouncing it off the walls until the balloon floated into the bathroom and into the toilet bowl.


Tommy looked at this, pulled a face of and left the balloon where it landed.


A little while later his father entered the bathroom and promptly, without looking, sat down, with his magazine to do his "business". On standing he looked with horror at the toilet bowl!!! The excrement had totally covered the balloon and the picture was of an immense and absurd gigantic mountain of ****.


Not wanting to believe what had just happened he quickly phoned his friend who was a doctor.
"Gerald, I had a **** that just filled up the whole toilet. I've never seen so much **** in one sitting. It's almost overflowing. I must have a very serious problem."
"Heck John you are most probably exaggerating!"
"What exaggeration. I am looking at all that **** now.
It's absurd. I must be very ill".
"OK. I'm on my way home but I'll pop in as it's on my way."
The doctor arrived and went directly to the toilet where his friend was standing at the door waiting.


"Hello John, where's this business that you .......GOOD HEAVENS ....!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is this????? For heavens sake what have you eaten?"
"Didn't I tell you? Now you believe me hey?"
"This is un-f******g-be-lie-va-ble!!!!"
"So you think I have a serious problem?"
"Well to start with I am going to take a sample"


Gerald, the doctor proceeded to take a small sterilized bottle out of his medical bag and when he *****ed the "cake" to take his specimen ...................



POW!!!!!!!!! The balloon popped and **** went flying to every crevice within the four walls of the bathroom!!!!!!!


Absolute silence follows the eruption. Both men encased in **** look at each other and the doctor shouts......


"Son of a bitch! I thought I had seen it all in this life, but a fart with a shell..... never! ! ! !

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"


"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

John the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Ferrari convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch-up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the Ferrari, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar
counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are
you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,just
waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... boobies out to here,
Dave.
Boobies out to here!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have A
ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and
I said 'It's either screw or swim! ' She couldn't swim, Dave. She
couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of
the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, What are you
happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...boobies out to
here, Dave.

Boobies out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told
her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave.

Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said,
'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't
swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there
cryin'
over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...boobies
WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. I had more wood than my
boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure
you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY
out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked
at her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a willy, Dave! She had this
great BIG willy!........ and I can't swim Dave! I can't f**king swim
man!!!!!!"

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?









Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.










"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"


Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!