The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Originally Posted by DarrenSV650S

That has to win the prize for geekiest joke of the week!

[BanannaMan]

America's worst air disaster ever occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
American search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging goes on into the night.







I was reading about this bloke who got fined a £1000 by the TV licensing inspector for not having a TV license.
Then I heard of another guy who got out on bail for £500 after being arrested for murder.
So . .Why worry about getting a TV license. If an inspector comes round..KILL him!You could save yourself FIVE HUNDRED quid!

[punyXpress]

. . or should this be Fact of the Day?

BRITISH MILITARY OFFICERS REPORTS


The excerpts below are genuine extracts taken from (British Military) Officers Annual Confidential Reports across the decades. Unlike today of course, when a bad report, a scathing report or a politically incorrect report is not allowed!! Today everybody is brilliant. At least when these gems hit the page nobody was ever in any doubt about what was meant or how bad the individual was!!!


1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of idle curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet..

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ tests.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense, light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.

[punyXpress]

What do you find in the toilet on the Starship Enterprise?
The Captains Log.

Thanks for the military ones, I'm still wiping tears. I particularly liked the If he was any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

his men would like him to lead from the front, especially through a mine field

[punyXpress]

He'd be daft enough to do it!

[carelesschucca]

Used to check all the CR's for REME. Best comment I remember was Craftsman X appears to have his brains in his balls, unfortunately he comes in after each and every weekend heavily concussed.

[punyXpress]

Don't mess with OAPs:

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.

Just back from holiday in Thailand and I came so close to s******g a lady boy !!
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!.......
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed into the garage first time I thought to myself "hang on a f*****g minute.............