The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.

Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

what is a curry fanatics favourite ring tone..................................RED!

(think about it)

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Before I let you into Heaven please tell me, have you ever done
anything of particular merit in your life?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Brecon Beacons in South Wales, I came upon a gang of bikers, who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring and threw it on the ground, yelling, "Now back off, or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"



St. Peter was impressed, "That is so brave, when did you do this?"


"Just a couple minutes ago".

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Clicky.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
“What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
“Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
“What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
“Give the ballerina another drink!”

The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
“I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”

“As far as I’m concerned”
the drunk replied,







“any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Both Paddy and Murphy are sitting down discussing the terrible things that both their dairy farms have been through recently,

Paddy says "1st was the mad cow disease, then foot n mouth and now this bloody bluetongue, where will it ever end?"

"Bluetongue" replies Murphy "Bajayzus, i didn't realise cows could use mobile phones"

i spank you

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen,this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

On the way to the station this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor bugger,

He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said,
'I am not happy.'

So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

That's how the fight started...