The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

My family are dwarves!!! Why is he poor cos he's a dwarf?

Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought!
Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her
Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly
and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as
he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a
scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She
wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers
looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip
and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss

Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over any time I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman
truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says,

"Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

BREAKING NEWS
============

Condom sales in France are at a record low; they have figured out that you only need one Johnny to #@$% 15 Frenchmen

Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, ****ing stop it then!"

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "But everyone has some faults."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could beat the pros at golf.. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank, he could do
everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake. He really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and
his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his bloody widow."

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.